Legal Corner

How should I behave in the oral proceedings?

One of mankind’s great unresolved questions is: How should I behave in court? This question will inevitably come to your mind if you are summoned to oral proceedings as a party in a civil, administrative, social or financial court case. You must be aware that you can turn even the most hopeless case in your favour by skillfully appearing at the hearing.

It is important that you make it clear to the court at every stage of the oral proceedings how much respect you have for them, that you will not let yourself be taken out of control of the proceedings and that it is not good to eat cherries with you. Only if the court feels such a basic attitude in you, do you negotiate at eye level.

Clothes suitable for the court

As the famous communication scientist Paul Watzlawick put it: “One cannot not communicate”. This means for a court hearing: Even if you have not even opened your mouth yet, you communicate with the court through your clothes, your posture and your behaviour. This in turn means that you have to prepare well for the hearing at home. This is mainly through the choice of your clothes:

Avoid wearing your best clothes, especially suits with shirts and ties or costumes! This would show too much respect for the court and create the impression of an impression maker. A court hearing is a good opportunity to put on your oldest and most worn clothes. Of course, you can also go shopping beforehand and get a hooded jacket for your big show. Please leave the hood on during the hearing! New clothes should definitely be decorated with some ketchup or gravy. To round off the outward appearance, as soon as you have received the invitation to the hearing, you should refrain from visiting a hairdresser, taking a shower in the morning and using a toothbrush once a week. With such well-prepared styling, you’ll immediately make it clear to the court who’s up here and who’s down here. Because a neat and clean appearance is only something for the service personnel.

By the way, as a lady you can also hang yourself with thick klinkers, make up beyond recognition and apply the most penetrating perfume you can find …

By the way: You don’t have to worry that the court will throw you out of the courtroom because of impropriety. Because then it would have to postpone the matter. And which court would like to postpone a case that has already prepared it laboriously?

Your most expensive clothes can also be suitable for the court. If you really have real money. Then you can clarify the circumstances: Who has real money here? You – without having to shake hands. And who will have to slave away with trifles like your trial for a starvation wage? It would be best if you took the Porsche to the courtroom. This will increase the admiration of the court and your sympathy ratings to the immeasurable.

The food suitable for the court

However, the domestic preparation for the oral hearing also includes the choice of the catering to be taken along. Instead, take sandwiches and some fruit and coffee or, alternatively, beer. Immediately after taking your seat in the conference room, place your food clearly on the table. In doing so, you signal to the court that this will not be a short trial, but that you will take the time to set out your view of things in due width and length, and that you will give the court reasonable time to agree with your view of things.

By the way, the beer you have brought with you serves another purpose: you can get yourself in the mood during your meeting with the constables at the entrance checkpoint. If you let the officers pass with the beer, you can enter the hearing with the elation: I have already fought the first battle of the day!

Entering the courtroom

Use entering the courtroom to make a lasting impression on the court. The first impression remains. Your hands in your trouser pockets stroll into the courtroom. Your casualness signals: Nobody can do anything to me here. You can reinforce the casual impression by plucking food from your cheek teeth with a toothpick when you enter the courtroom. Under no circumstances may you greet the court or the other side. Otherwise the court could get the impression of a submissive person from you and therefore lack the necessary respect for you. It is enough if you grunt something incomprehensible. Perfectionists place a few buddies on the spectator seats with whom you loudly clap your hands. The buddies can also provide for atmosphere in the hall.

Taking the seat

In each courtroom there is one side on which the complaining party takes a seat and one side on which the defendant party takes a seat. This is so that the court does not get confused. You know where to sit because it is either on a small sign or the court or your lawyer tells you.

Sit on the wrong side! Take the opportunity to make a small first skirmish! If you are asked to change places, say you cannot. Because you want to sit at the window, because it is not so dark there. Or because you don’t want to sit at the window, because it’s too bright or too loud or both. Or say: “I have it at my knee”. Refer to your constitutional rights. If you win this argument, you can win anything! The court will occasionally confuse party names, giving you the opportunity to interrupt and correct the court. And the other side will have already regretted having taken it up with you.

After taking the place and placing your food, you take a half lying posture. As a man, you spread your legs wide apart to emphasize your masculinity, as if you were sitting in the subway. As a lady, if you don’t want to put it on a Basic Instinct interrogation scene appearance, you can alternatively stack all your bags and pouches in the adjacent square, as if you were sitting in the subway, to emphasize your femininity.

Start of a part-time activity during negotiations

Now it is important that you continuously devote yourself to a part-time job during the hearing. By signaling your disinterest in the hearing, you are stimulating the court, which consists of a lot of good people, to take even more care of your interests during the hearing. This is called paradoxical intervention.

In the past, typical side activities accompanying negotiations were reading newspapers or knitting, painting stick figures or turning joints. Today, there is only one contemporary secondary activity that accompanies negotiations: the mobile phone. So never switch off your mobile phone at the beginning of the negotiation. The domestic preparation of an oral hearing includes the choice of a particularly original ring tone. If you don’t get bombarded with calls anyway, make sure your friends call you at your appointment hour. Make such an agreement preferably with friends who you have already placed in the audience seats in the negotiation hall. If you have forgotten not to switch off your mobile phone, make sure you do so during the hearing. If you have forgotten this and nobody is calling you right now, then at least pretend to answer a call.

If the mobile phone rings, you say: “Oh, I really need to get to it”. If the chairman asks you not to do that, you say, “Don’t you see that I’m on the phone? To the caller you say: “Treasure Mouse, I’m in court right now. No, you’re not interrupting. Tell me! After the end of the telephone conversation, if the court interrupted you in the telephone conversation, you demand an apology from the chairman, invoking the secrecy of telecommunications.

The rest of the time you type around on the keypad of your mobile phone and don’t look left and right, don’t look up – and certainly not when you’re addressed!

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